Apologies for skipping a week. But there is amazing news! Scientists have documented the existence of – the landwhale!
That’s right: long ago, the ancestors of whales split. Most of their descendents became entirely aquatic, losing their legs and becoming incapable of movement on land.
But not all. Some whales can still move on land. And guess what – they can move faster than you. And when they catch you, they will destroy you. Utterly.
You might think you’re safe – you might say ‘don’t a lot of whales have only baleen plates, not teeth? I’m not plankton, I’ve got nothing to worry about.’
Wrong. The landwhale has bigger teeth relative to body mass than any other species of whale.
You might also think ‘well, the landwhale may be tough, but surely it can’t be as tough as – the sun?‘
Wrong. The landwhale sweats god-damn sunscreen. This blood-coloured substance, sometimes called ‘bloodsweat’, absorbs ultraviolet radiation from the sun, to keep the landwhale safe and free of sunburn.
They appear to live only in certain river systems in Africa, spending most of their lives underwater. But at night, they emerge to find food on land. Usually this food consists of grasses, but it’s not impossible in principle that it might at some point come to include YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.
There’s evidence that the ancients knew of, and feared, the landwhale – they called it the greatest and most powerful animal on land, and despaired that any except God could kill it. Well, it’s 2009, the landwhale is coming, and where is your God now?
Finally, to emphasise – yes, it really is a whale. By the most rigourous classification methods, it is part of the whale lineage. It cannot be classified into any group separate from the whales without misrepresenting the genetics.