Ali Khamenei: a Success Story

"To all you people chanting 'where's my vote?' - I got it right here, losers."

In the past, I’ve mentioned the tough competition for the title of world’s Top Patriarchal Religious Dipshit. I profiled two of the contenders: Joseph ‘the daddy’ Ratzinger and Mohammad “human right to rape” Asif Mohseni. Apropos of recent events, I felt impelled to profile a man who, as well as being TPRD in his nation, has managed to have the offices of TPRD and TCPD (Top Capitalist Political Dipshit) merged: Ali Khamenei.

It’s hard to extricate Khamenei personally from the Iranian political system, but judging from his robust efforts to prevent reform, it doesn’t seem unfair to blame him personally for all the political prisoners, all the torture, and all the obscene policing of personal affairs.

Indeed, it was largely at his initiative that a few years back, the National Association of Self-Righteous Aggressive and Possibly Sexually Frustrated Young Men (NASRAPSFYM – not actual name), began a crackdown to improve ‘public security’ by wandering the streets looking for people to assault.

Apparently, some people arrested for perceived impropriety had their beatings recorded on camera to be made more public. Some had watering cans used for cleaning toilets hung around their necks. These facts have led some to speculate about Khamenei being influenced by Islamist website ‘4chan’, who feature threads concerning precisely such themes on their ‘alternative porn’ board.

The political system of Iran puts the judicial system directly under Khamenei, not the president, and we can find out something about his sense of humour from the rulings which make a post-modern comment on legal norms by punishing victims instead of perpetrators. For example, let’s say a group of men attack a gathering of young activists who are trying to talk about something, hit many of them with sticks, tie them up. The sentence might then be months in jail and public whipping for  – the activists who got attacked!

And best of all, Khamenei has managed to get a law making it illegal to criticise him. Pretty sweet, huh? The Pope’s got nothing on that.

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