Sunday Mammalfest, Episode 4


Pangolins, I have to say, are quite awesome. Let’s go through why.

1) They decided to have scales. People told them – you can’t do that! You’re a mammal, mammals don’t have scales, only reptiles and fish do that. But the pangolins said: fuck you! I’m a scaly anteater!

2) These scales not only protect them, especially when they roll up into a ball, but are really sharp and will cut you up. Like a hardcore football covered in razor blades. With a big flicky tail. Covered in razor blades.

3) They decided they were so hardcore, they didn’t need teeth. Instead, they would create a mouth-system as powerful and complex as this new laser. You have a tongue attached to your mouth and throat? Fuck that. Pangolins have tongues attached to their hips. You have saliva glands in your mouth? Pangolins have basically a swimming pool in their chest to coat their enormous tongues with saliva when they shoot it out like a long, thin, sticky bullet.

4) But then, they decided that instead of the teeth they were doing without, they would get enormous claws for tearing up buildings*. These claws are so hardcore on their front feet, that when walking, they have to curl their hands up to avoid killing the ground.

That’s what pangolins are like.

*Buildings made by ants.

5 Responses to “Sunday Mammalfest, Episode 4”

  1. Jha Says:

    I love pangolins. This article is made of win.

  2. From Herodotus, Book III « Rumblegumption Says:

    […] habits ascribed to it. Perhaps the most plausible conjecture is that which identifies it with the Pengolin, or Ant-eater, which burrows on the sandy plains of northern India.] no comments yet […]

  3. DOMINO Says:

    Haha… and look at their cute pokey noses!

  4. johnqpublican Says:

    Are you familiar with the work of Professor Mary Beard, of Cambridge, who wrote a fantastic paper on why Vestal Virgins are equivalent to pangolins? It hinges on the socially constructed concept of liminality.

  5. Alderson Warm-Fork Says:

    I am not, but I now intend to become so!

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