Pangolins, I have to say, are quite awesome. Let’s go through why.
1) They decided to have scales. People told them – you can’t do that! You’re a mammal, mammals don’t have scales, only reptiles and fish do that. But the pangolins said: fuck you! I’m a scaly anteater!
2) These scales not only protect them, especially when they roll up into a ball, but are really sharp and will cut you up. Like a hardcore football covered in razor blades. With a big flicky tail. Covered in razor blades.
3) They decided they were so hardcore, they didn’t need teeth. Instead, they would create a mouth-system as powerful and complex as this new laser. You have a tongue attached to your mouth and throat? Fuck that. Pangolins have tongues attached to their hips. You have saliva glands in your mouth? Pangolins have basically a swimming pool in their chest to coat their enormous tongues with saliva when they shoot it out like a long, thin, sticky bullet.
4) But then, they decided that instead of the teeth they were doing without, they would get enormous claws for tearing up buildings*. These claws are so hardcore on their front feet, that when walking, they have to curl their hands up to avoid killing the ground.
That’s what pangolins are like.
*Buildings made by ants.
May 31, 2009 at 20:59
I love pangolins. This article is made of win.
May 31, 2009 at 23:59
[...] habits ascribed to it. Perhaps the most plausible conjecture is that which identifies it with the Pengolin, or Ant-eater, which burrows on the sandy plains of northern India.] no comments yet [...]
June 1, 2009 at 00:00
Haha… and look at their cute pokey noses!
July 18, 2009 at 15:06
Are you familiar with the work of Professor Mary Beard, of Cambridge, who wrote a fantastic paper on why Vestal Virgins are equivalent to pangolins? It hinges on the socially constructed concept of liminality.
July 18, 2009 at 15:30
I am not, but I now intend to become so!